Hidden Brilliance Page 5

  After starting my business and feeling the weight grow heavier and heavier, I came to a crossroads. I recognized that I was on the verge of a breakthrough, but I didn’t know how to get to the other side. The weight and the pressure I was putting on myself was becoming unbearable, and now I was aware of my hand in it and didn’t know how to stop. In the moment that it finally struck me, and I could articulate what I was feeling, I wrote down the sentence:

  I am being crushed by the rising expectations for greatness because I don’t have anyone holding me back anymore.

  I read it over and over again. That was some heavy shit that I needed to sort through. I reached out to my coach to prompt me on some questions to consider. She sent me a list, and I began to work through my answers one by one.

  I knew this moment was big, and I needed reinforcements. So, I went to a local coffee shop, ordered a plate of lemon ricotta pancakes, and had a silent conversation with myself through my tears to unpack this new realization. This was that conversation.

  What am I AFRAID will happen if I release the intense pressure and/or expectations I would have placed on myself?

  That I will fail, and that it will be all my own doing. No cause, just myself. A totally preventable failure. Which makes it a double failure. Failure at doing it right, and then failure after seeing the issue and still not being able to fix it. I am afraid that I have held this pressure by myself and for myself only my whole life, and that I can’t be successful without it. Inevitable failure, because failure if I keep the expectations, and failure if I don’t. Scratch that … inevitable failure if I keep the pressure, and only possible failure if I let them go. And possible greatness.

  What would ACTUALLY be the outcome of letting go of these overwhelming expectations?

  I might fail, but it would be SO MUCH LIGHTER. Either lighter failure, or total greatness.

  What would letting go of these overwhelming expectations feel like?

  Confident, like leveling up, not giving a shit, being the person I want to be and the world needs me to be, allowing others to see what they are looking for in me, feeling bigger (without walls or boundaries), and open up headspace for better things.

  What is my definition of success?

  I do not know the answer to that. Success right now? Success in 10 years? The end game? I think I can only answer it in describing my “why.” The world needs me. (That sounds audacious.) The world needs people who will listen and feel, and create change for the better of humanity. I think that I can alter the course of the world. My definition of success seems to be part of the problem. So, what is true? Success would be creating something that alters the course of the world for the better.

  If I held myself to this definition what would I need to do to achieve it?

  Have faith in myself that I am doing the right thing without factual backup.

  Connect with others.

  Walk the talk.

  Live on purpose.

  Experiment in bold moves.

  Be larger.

  Be clearer on and take a firm stand on what I believe in.

  I am overwhelmed looking at this list – I have a lot to do to live into the definition of success.

  What would I have to give up or stop doing?

  The fear, obviously.

  Stuff that isn’t a “hell yes.”

  Being awkward around other humans.

  Judgement about the previous three bullet points.

  Attachment to the outcome (I am doing better with others, but not myself).

  And, yet, this list somehow seems more challenging to accomplish than the first one.

  What specific steps could I take to unburden myself from these intense pressures when I feel or experience them?

  Recognize them and say, “That’s interesting,” and then study it like a scientist who is not attached to the outcome of the experiment (judgement free).

  Practice a higher “hell yes” threshold.

  Build out my manifesto – what I stand for privately and publicly.

  Experiment in bold moves (living with purpose, being larger, overcoming fear).

  This feels like I am trying to dig a tunnel to China with a kid-sized garden trowel. Like big problems with the tiniest solutions. They feel “cute.”

  Isn’t that just the thing? All of the quotes and memes and clichés of the world hold some truth. Feeling the full weight of my problems with simultaneous awareness felt like lucid dreaming, when you are dreaming but you know it is a dream in the moment. And now the answers to all of my heavy shit were hiding in plain sight on Internet memes, coffee table quote books, and inspirational coffee mugs. Things I had thought were endearing and trite were actually rooted in true solutions for my existential crisis.

  I also began to question why I was still feeling conflicted about my current work situation. I was loving my work and enjoying the flexibility and freedom that comes with being your own boss, and I was certainly aware of and consciously trying to honor my values. So, what was the problem?

  Even though I felt I was in the right place with my work, I still felt funky. What the hell was my problem? I was in the best place of my life – was I not capable of being happy with anything? Jeesh. I added these two questions for myself, because it became clear to me that whenever I feel discomfort, it is attributed to being out of alignment with my values. ALWAYS.

  What values am I not honoring right now?

  Contribution/making a difference.

  Can I sustainably honor all of my values at the same time?

  It is possible, yes.

  I realized that I might always place value on accomplishment and making a difference, and I had to be able to reconcile living a life of aiming to do big things and being okay when the outcome doesn’t turn out as I had planned. Instead of placing value on the outcome or the accomplishment, I must shift the value to the experience of the journey. If I am detached from the outcome, it doesn’t matter what happens, and the value cannot be diminished from the journey. And that is how I found a path to honor all of my values at the same time.

  Chapter 10: The Lesson

  “I can’t go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then.” – Lewis Carroll

  We grow in tiny bursts of new awareness that push us forward until the next new lesson comes along. Change is not always a constant flow, a steady, straight line, or a lone bolt of lightning. In reality, it is often a collection of small and stretched leaps where we bound forward with new awareness that can’t be unseen. If we miss or ignore the lessons, we don’t get to pass GO or collect $200. We get the lesson served back to us by the universe until we master that level.

  As I gained new awareness about myself and how I placed inordinate value on accomplishment, I had a big “A-ha!” moment at first discovery. But following that took many reminders of the same new idea as I adjusted to this new rule I was trying to create for myself. And there were countless aftershocks of awareness where I realized something new about my past patterns now, that I could look back on my catalog of memories with an entirely new filter. I couldn’t see those things all at once – that would be too overwhelming. It’s as if I had been watching the movie of my life only in subtitles, and for the first time, I was seeing it with the complete understanding of my native language.

  The lesson worth sharing from my own heroine’s journey is that these ideas could save others a lot of time and energy earlier in life. If I could go back in time, what would I have wanted to know? What do I wish someone had told me (not that I would have listened)?

  I would have wanted to know that my value was not dependent on how much I accomplished, that the fear of failure was inevitably worse than the actual failure, and that failure guards the door to success. I would have wanted to know that I was enough.

  Failure guards the door to success.

  I would go back to that young girl in high school, or maybe even earlier, and spend time really seeing her. I would point out the traps that might be l
urking underneath the guise of success and high-achievement. There are countless young leaders out there who have only ever seen achievement as their path, because our culture thrives on better, stronger, and more. And of course, we don’t want a society full of lazy assholes with no ambition. But I think we can take the risk and tell our high-achievers drowning in deep thoughts that they are just where they need to be and that they are enough just as they are.

  I recently attended a parent-teacher conference where my three-year-old son’s teacher shared with me and my husband that our son was a caring and compassionate kid who cares about other people’s feelings, and that he is doing the right thing. He doesn’t like to make mistakes, and they are working with him on being comfortable to try new things even if it is hard and he might mess up. I think an exact quote was, “Sometimes he is really hard on himself.” He is THREE. My heart nearly shattered to hear what I now saw so clearly in myself and in my lifetime. This lesson about the value of the journey and not the outcome is important as early as this, and I am acutely aware of how I can raise my children to know what I learned for myself only later in life.

  There are some critical, tangible steps that I have taken to remain close to this new mindset. I read and reread the answers to my questions in order to get used to the new idea. I adjusted my “to-do” list by removing anything that was a “have to” instead of a “hell yes.” I wrote on my bathroom mirror “I am enough.” I allowed myself the permission to not worry about “what if” for 90 days. When I started to feel pressure or worry about what “might” happen, I actively changed my thought to one in the moment. I started putting myself in more situations where I felt uncomfortable (in a good way), like doing more impromptu speaking and riding a bike for the first time in over 15 years. I acted as if the things I really wanted to achieve were already happening. And you know what? They did. By starting to honor this new mindset and acting accordingly, the “inevitable failure” I once felt faded to make room for potential total greatness and true alignment with what truly matters most for me.

  What I have learned in these crucible moments is how I can choose my future. I now strive to do less “stuff” but to play bigger, to focus on my passions and be really good at them, and to have gratitude for the time I have left to live with the weight lifted. When I realized that fear wouldn’t hold me back, it didn’t. While I know the inner critics will always be there, and I will always want to achieve great things, my value is no longer attached to how much I accomplish. I now find more value in the attempt, the journey, and the experience. I know that this is all part of my curriculum to learn. And that is even better.

  I didn’t just have one lightning bolt moment where my life changed in an instant. This is simply the start of the story, not the full description of the work, which comes next. Awareness is the key that unlocks the door. We still have to find the courage to walk through the door and the persistence to move forward even when it feels hard or unknown. When we do the work, we level up and can explore a whole new world of lessons, experiences, and pitfalls that were previously unavailable to us.

  It starts with awareness. For your own internal Board of Directors to discuss, perhaps start with three questions:

  What is your definition of success?

  How do you detach your value from the outcome?

  And what are you so afraid of?

  Enjoy the journey, and do the work.

  

  Part II: The Work

  Introduction

  “I am not afraid… I was born to do this.”

  – Jeanne d’Arc

  People often ask me, “How did you actually change, or get to the other side?” What I can tell you is that there is no one silver bullet, no one solution that will change your life and open you up to everything you are looking for in life. Rather, it is an ongoing commitment to doing the work; a string of new, tiny, life-changing glimpses of awareness that add up to big change, when you follow the course and show up for the lessons the universe places in your path. It is okay if you miss some. They will keep coming back until you master the lesson. Have you ever had different versions of the same boss you hate even when you move from job to job trying to escape it? Or have you ever recognized a pattern in your relationships where it starts out strong and then spirals into codependency? That is the universe serving up the same damn lesson until you learn what you are supposed to from it and graduate to the next level.

  When you gain new awareness about yourself and the world around you, it becomes a new dimension that you simply couldn’t see before, that you cannot “un-see” now. That is really the definition of life-changing in the context of this book: a new awareness that forever changes your filter on life and, because you cannot go backward, by definition your life is changed. And it is like a video game where you have to unlock a level by collecting mushrooms, slaying the dragon, and rescuing the princess before you can enter the next world. Much of the awareness I have now would have been entirely unavailable to me a year ago, because my “A-ha!” moments build on each other and require the foundation I have already built in order for me to be ready to receive them.

  How do you know if you are ready to receive the universal lessons or if you are open to gaining higher consciousness? You ask for the lessons, you listen, and you do the work. It is an art form of part stillness and listening, and part getting a giant shovel, getting your hands dirty, and digging really deep within your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to make a change. This work is critical to examine that which has been left dark or silent. The stillness and solitude are crucial to you being able to process and accept what you have uncovered. Both are necessary on your path. I see some people who are willing to sit in the quiet stillness of meditation but shy away from digging deep into the unknown landscapes within themselves. Or, there are the people who dig deep but never really process and turn the new awareness into a new way of life. This is the most glorious pattern of personal growth, resilience, and pushing beyond comfort that I have found to exist, but it is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would have done it already.

  I hope that you enjoyed learning more about my story and exploring the hidden inner workings of the high-achieving introvert, but the story alone is not going to get you into action. In Part Two, I break down some of the building blocks that might be useful for transforming your own experience. These are all activities that I went through as part of my journey past fear and toward personal insight. You can use them to create stepping stones of new awareness that over time will lead you to even bigger self-discoveries. In this part, I am going to challenge you to do the work. In six months or less, doing the work and reflecting on the activities will inevitably change your view of the world. Your personal universe will feel more aware, alive, expansive, and full of possibility. I will share some new ideas that may help you on your path, as well as curate some of the best ideas that I have found from thought leaders around the world that might be helpful on your quest. Let’s go slay the dragons.

  Activity 1: Values and Value

  “It’s not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are.” – Roy E. Disney

  I didn’t always understand what it meant to live in accordance with values. In fact, I didn’t even know this really existed in the practical sense. It seemed like something only very conservative people would say (along the lines of family values), and I simply didn’t understand another way to look at it. But once I recognized that my work was not aligned with what was most important to me, I couldn’t un-see it. And once you are able to recognize your values, you can take steps to realign yourself with what is important.

  I can still summon up what it felt like to be so far out of alignment with what really mattered to me. For days, weeks, months, the discomfort would slowly, steadily rise, peaking every Sunday afternoon as the work week loomed ahead. On the outside, I appeared distracted and was quick-tempered with those close to me, and all of my brain’s working memory was hijacked
by ruminative thoughts of what I “should” be doing or what I needed to be doing. The drive to work, a cocktail of dread and anxiousness, ended with a few deep breaths in the parking lot to summon the courage for the day. I would forget to greet people, because I was so consumed with the dialogue in my head. I would turn into one of “those” people who instead of asking how someone was doing, would go straight to asking what I needed to check off my mental list. I would experience meetings where I wanted to crawl out of my skin, feeling so uncomfortable that I couldn’t even find the words to articulate and express my disagreement. I hated wasting time, experiencing inauthenticity in myself and others, and completing tasks without integrity.

  I can look back on those moments and recall a very specific physical response. At its worst, I literally felt the urge to jump out of my skin. My shoulders were tight and hunched, I would have frequent headaches, and my physical health was notably diminished during times of the most extreme stress.

  I had been successful in my work, so why did I feel this way?

  If you have ever felt this discomfort (which I imagine every single one of us has), I want you to take a fresh, non-judgmental look at what you value. Get really clear on the stuff that matters to you. And then take a second look at the times in your history when you felt the discord, the misalignment that I am describing. Which of your values were you not honoring during that time?