Hidden Brilliance Page 6

  In an exercise of example and transparency, I want to share with you here a few of my own most important values along with an instance when I was misaligned to each value.

  Authenticity

  I prefer things to be real, plain and simple. For at least a year, I found myself wearing terribly boring clothes to work. For some reason, I felt the need to try and look older, appear more professional, or feel more important. I am all in support of dressing well for work, I just could have done it without stuffing my personality in a box. I wore too much black for my liking, and adorned jackets and suits that would be sure to strike up zero conversations. It was a complete departure from the rest of my closet and personality. When I realized what I was doing and how it negatively was affecting how I felt about myself at work, I needed to make a change. I donated the boring pieces or moved them to the back of the closet. I resurrected all of my fun and interesting clothes and made sure to pile them on. I focused on only wearing things that gave me joy. Colored tights? Check. Red shoes? Yes. Classic black pants? Hidden.

  Integrity

  I can best describe this value for me as the results needing to be outstanding, but more importantly, the manner in which they were accomplished must also be exceptional. I had one boss who definitely had the right goals, but the manner in which he wanted me to do the work, how he communicated, and the way he treated people were 100% not how I would choose to do it. As a result, I felt miserable and physically uncomfortable most of the time. I spoke my mind, held true to my values, and when nothing changed, I eventually left that job.

  Contribution

  I run my own company, and it is awesome. And you know? Some days are hard. I have to ask myself, what could possibly be wrong with this scenario? I am doing what I love and designing my work and life, so why do I feel discord on some days? The reality is that as my company continues to grow, I have sometimes felt that I “should” be doing even more, helping more people, or making an impact on more teams, leaders, and lives. The only value that is not being fully honored is my need to contribute on a grand scale. As a result, I reexamined how I was spending my time to ensure that a critical amount was dedicated to big goals, important projects, and things a little beyond my comfort zone. When my “goals” started becoming a list of low-level tasks, I knew it was time to adjust and make sure some next-level ideas made their way to my To-Do list.

  Once you recognize that feeling of discord and misalignment, you can ask yourself in the moment, “What value(s) am I not honoring right now?” If you can master the art of asking this question and being able to answer honestly, you have unlocked the power to do something about it. And as you course correct, you will find your way back to center, and the discomfort will fade. When you know what really matters to you, you can choose to bask in it. Because you can’t un-see it, right?

  Shortly after I woke up to my values, I was confronted with a strength-test of my values awareness, when a headhunter contacted me about a very tempting, very important role at a company. I was intrigued, and so I interviewed for the position. It went really well, and I was invited back to meet the entire executive team for an all-day affair. My gut reaction to this invitation was annoyance, because I was not excited to spend that time traveling and meeting with the team. I immediately thought, “Wait a minute! What is wrong here? I should be excited to do this and for the opportunity!” When I realized I wasn’t excited, I had to unpack why not.

  I realized in that moment for the first time something not only about that opportunity but also about how I had lived my life for years without realizing it. I realized that I was not excited about this role in particular because it did not align with my values of authenticity and excellence. And then my mind was blown as I recognized that I had spent years (YEARS!) working for a company already that misaligned with the very same two values. The universe was presenting a lesson again that I had refused to see before, and this time I listened. I was not excited for this role, because I recognized that working for a company that didn’t always project excellence would grate at my soul again, and it would be a big mistake. I called the headhunter immediately and withdrew from consideration.

  I experienced a very physical and visceral reaction in this scenario, and it helped me gain awareness to pay attention to my gut and physical reactions, as a sign for when I am clearly out of alignment with at least one of my values. Often, the first sign you may notice that you are out of alignment is that actual physical reaction. Perhaps you have spent years ignoring those small clues, but they are there. By recognizing the physical response, you can ask yourself powerful questions to get to the root of what value is being challenged in that moment. And by having the awareness, you can change your action.

  It is also important to take a closer look at where your values stem from. Did you choose your values, or were they given to you by someone earlier in life, such as your parents, your past experiences, or your religion? This is the moment when you have to make the choice to choose your values for yourself, for who you are in your life now, without regard to what others might want for you. If your values are not actually your own, doing these practices won’t help you. You may also ask yourself if your values are consciously chosen, or if they are based on fear. For example, if you think that one of your values is financial stability, but it is rooted in fear of returning to your childhood when your family didn’t have much, that might be a fear-based value. Find the values that are consciously adopted and based on possibility rather than lack.

  

  Try It: Values Activity

  Start by making a list of all of your values that come to mind. It may be helpful to find a full list of values (Google it) and narrow them down to ten so you don’t forget any. Then, narrow ten down to five. Take your top five and assess how well you are living those values and where you might be out of alignment with them. Do a gut check that these are consciously-chosen values. What did you learn about yourself?

  When you consider what your value is, what comes to mind for you? If you are like me, you may frequently place all of your value in what you do for a living, or in the results or outcomes that you achieve. For high-achievers, they can start to feel trapped by where their value is placed. As described in the article, “The Talent Curse” by Jennifer and Gianpiero Petriglieri (Harvard Business Review, 2017), society has moved from the idea that someone “has” a talent, to the idea that they “are” talented. This is a treacherous change in language, because it implies that when you “are” talented, that it is your identity and a label you must always live up to, rather than a talent that is separate from yourself that you can invoke on occasion. If we begin to place all of our value eggs in the basket that we “are” talented, that creates an immense pressure on ourselves to live up to higher and higher expectations, whether those expectations are real or imagined, our own or from others. Elizabeth Gilbert, in her TED Talk titled “Your elusive creative genius,” also discussed this phenomenon when it comes to creative work. She explained how the Greeks and Romans saw genius as something that came to visit you, not a permanent character trait.

  This is where the dark corners of perfectionism and imposter syndrome breed. We are dubbed as talented, high performers, or high-potential, and suddenly we have to keep up the façade at all times. We are constantly waiting for others to find us out and discover that we are a total sham, simultaneously making every effort to prevent that discovery from happening. The problem here is two-fold: we place all of our value in who we are, and we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves by claiming we “are” talented instead of we “have” a talent.

  I can remember times from very early in my career where I was labeled as a high-potential leader. Every chance I had to officially prove myself became scarier than the last, because the stakes were higher. Each opportunity to prove myself was my next big chance to be utterly exposed, and my biggest fear was that those responsible for my career would be disappointed and say, “Oh, she’s not who we thought
she was.” Did you just catch that I said “those responsible for my career?” The joke was on me, because no one is responsible for my career except for myself, and what I was really saying to myself was “Maybe I am not who I thought I was” and “I am not good enough.”

  You can combat this issue for yourself by considering where you place your value. In my journey, I shared that the ultimate lesson I learned was to place my value on the journey and experience rather than the result or achievement. Once I was able to enjoy the journey for what it was and no longer be attached to the outcome, my value existed regardless of the path I took, the result it created, or what others thought of it.

  

  Try It: Self-Value Mantras

  Repeat these to yourself. Write them on sticky notes all over your home. Say them out loud.

  I am the owner of my own path.

  I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

  I am enough.

  I have many talents.

  My talents don’t own or define me.

  Activity 2: Definition of Success

  “Success is following the pattern of life one enjoys the most.” – Al Capp

  Have you ever had the feeling of accomplishing something and being surprised that it didn’t bring you as much fulfillment as you thought it would? I have experienced this in my own life both when things were going perfectly and when they clearly weren’t. What I have come to realize is that I was operating with a definition of success that wasn’t true for me. I was trying to achieve, to reach some outcome that didn’t actually mean much to me, like a business objective or a key performance milestone. Instead, what if we focused all of our superpowers toward the right destination? It doesn’t matter if you are in just the right place in life, or if you know some adjustments are in order. Your energy can be redirected toward the things that matter most to you by getting crystal clear about how you define success.

  How Do You Define Success?

  When I first considered the question “What is your definition of success?” I was stuck. I asked, “What do you mean? Success as in, a day? A year? Ten years?” I realized in that moment that how I was defining success was part of my problem. I thought success to me was getting bigger, better, and further. And my efforts were matching that. However, when I found how I really defined success, I was no longer allocating my time and energy toward the things that mattered most to me.

  If I really define the type of success for myself that would bring lasting, meaningful joy and fulfillment, it doesn’t have to do with climbing a career ladder, earning a bonus, or even slaying a big project at work. There is nothing wrong with those things – in fact, they feel great! I have simply found them to be short-lived wins for me. Sometimes we spend much of our lives, especially at work, accomplishing amazing successes yet somehow feel unfulfilled. Why is that? It is because we are expending energy on wins that don’t add up to the definition of success that really matters to us.

  If you start with this one question, you will be asking yourself about something that has seemed so obvious to you that you haven’t even thought about it for a long time. Ask this question of yourself on the largest scale that you can muster, the type of success that lasts beyond the moment.

  Nailed a project? Success! Got that promotion? Success! Didn’t eat the whole pint of ice cream in one sitting? Success! Of course, these are all wins. But if you looked back over the entire course of your life, what would you need to see in order to feel a deep level of success and fulfillment? If it is money, or title, or “the chase,” then great! No judgement here on the nobility of your definition of success. As long as you are honest with yourself about your true definition of success, you are on the right track. You can bring your new and clear definition to find fulfillment in what you are already doing, or to identify where to redirect your time and energy.

  A principle called the Hedonic Treadmill (or Hedonic Adaptation) observes that humans eventually return to their baseline level of happiness following good or bad events. The happiness one experiences from a win or sorrow from a loss is often short-lived before returning to personal equilibrium. However, your baseline happiness level may grow as personal successes raise the bar on your own expectations. As your expectations rise for yourself based on past accomplishments, your definition of success evolves. As your definition of success progresses, it is important to check yourself to ensure that definition still remains in line with your personal truth.

  Finding your Definition of Success

  I used to define success in line with societal rewards. It is common for us to accept the definition of success that someone told us we should have or that we learned by gathering the context clues from what society seems to honor, like climbing the corporate ladder or going to college. In fact, I didn’t realize there could be another way to define it.

  I started by beginning to think of success in bigger and longer terms. In the biggest and longest litmus test, I visualized what I wanted my final thoughts to be as I died at the end of my life. Never once have I imagined in that moment that I would hope I had worked more, answered more emails, or that I had won more awards. In that moment of reckoning when it all gets summed up, I would want to know with every fiber of my being that I changed peoples’ lives for the better and made a difference in the world. So that, in turn, became my purpose.

  I then began to work backward from the end of life (which is hopefully many decades away) and think in smaller increments. Is what I envision twenty years from now in line with my purpose? What about what I am doing 10 years from now? Five years? One year? Right this moment?

  I am willing to believe you are reading this book because some part of you knows that what you are doing right now with your life does not fully align with the truth you are looking for on your last day of life. Now is the day you can begin to make small changes toward the future you want.

  Let’s pause for a minute to step back into the reality of your actual current situation. You have a propensity for achievement, so of course you have had moments in your life that were big accomplishments and made you feel wildly successful in that moment. I mean, come on! We are achievement addicts – that shit feels really good. I want you to think back to a time when you felt really successful, perhaps at work. I remember times when one of the top executives of my company would come and give rave reviews for the work my team was doing. That felt amazing! It felt like winning, like total success. And it was success. In hindsight, there is a difference between that moment of feeling excited versus experiencing a feeling of long-term, lasting fulfillment. On my death bed, I will not be thinking of accolades or those short-lived shooting star moments, but I will be cataloguing whether or not I changed peoples’ lives, whether the work I did mattered. If you imagine on your death bed that awards and winning will be your focus, that is perfectly normal and okay; no judgement. I am simply trying to clarify the difference between when we feel “successful” for a moment, and things that match our definitions of success for long-term fulfillment.

  If I reflect on those fleeting moments of feeling successful, they do not withstand my test:

  Do they feel successful? Yes.

  Is it good work? Yes.

  Will it matter a year from now? Probably not.

  Does it alter the course of the world for the better? No.

  What is my definition of success? Creating something that alters the course of the world for the better, and maintaining the life I love.

  Success would be creating something that alters the course of the world for the better.

  So… what’s yours?

  

  Try It: Defining Success Activity

  Take a pen and paper, and consider the following questions for reflection. Write your answers in ink:

  Create a vivid vision of you in your last day of life where you feel the most success, fulfillment, and love that you can imagine. What do you see? How do you know you have been successful?

  How do you ensure yo
ur final day vision aligns with your vision in twenty years? 10 years? Five years? One year?

  What is your definition of success? Is it big enough and far-reaching enough that it goes beyond your life now, the job you have now, or your immediate fulfillment?

  Does your definition of success unwaveringly align with your personal values?

  Would you be proud to tell yourself and others your definition of success?

  How do you detach your value from the outcome or your accomplishments?

  What are you so afraid of?

  Activity 3: What to Do and What to Give Up

  “Happiness is not found in things you possess, but in what you have the courage to release.”

  – Nathaniel Hawthorne

  The idea that mutated from “I can do anything” to “I should do everything” was one that moved from a push to pursue excellence, to simply a push to pursue. In reality, we can’t do everything, and frankly, we shouldn’t do everything. Unless your life’s work is to do everything there is to do on the whole damn planet at least once, then that would be a singular focus under which you could argue doing everything would be a reasonable feat. Otherwise, why on God’s green earth are we all moving around acting like we have to stuff ten pounds in a five-pound bag and look good doing it? My new approach is to see where I can do fewer things, choose the things I really like, and do them with excellence.