Hidden Brilliance Page 8

  That is what it takes for me to feel like enough: simply love and understand myself. Your answer might be different. It is your own path. Just don’t overlook the simplest or most obvious answer if you are willing to see it. And that is giving something to yourself.

  

  Try It: Write “I Am Enough,” and Say It Out Loud

  Write down “I am enough” in big, bold letters somewhere visible. Easy, fast, and yet, you haven’t done it. Why? Because it is weird to see it written down or maybe because you don’t want others to see that you need that reminder, and you are trying to look like you’ve got it together all of the time. That hasn’t helped you so far, so just try it.

  I write messages in window markers (or dry erase markers) on my bathroom mirror. You could use post it notes or print out a giant page that you decorated on your computer, whatever it takes. Every time you see it, I want to you read it out loud. It will be strange at first to hear yourself saying it, but the fact is your brain doesn’t really recognize the difference between if you actually believe it yet or not. You are reading it, saying it, hearing it, and subsequently internalizing it. Eventually, the phrase won’t seem so foreign or so inaccurate as when you first wrote it down.

  Finally, tell others about it. Since it is in a visible spot, eventually someone else will

  notice it. (If they don’t, it means you tucked it in page 60 of your planner, and you didn’t do the assignment). Tell someone about your inner critic, what her name is, and how she has been reassigned. Thank them for asking, and share a goal that you are working on. Picture your inner critic cheering you on to that goal instead of holding you back.

  Activity 6: Fear of Future

  “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be

  understood.” – Marie Curie

  I have found through coaching many high-achievers, as well as reflecting on my own experiences, that many of the feelings of anxiety or feeling trapped have to do with fear of one thing in particular: the future. When we feel shame and regret, we are ruminating on the past and what we wish we would have done differently. But when we feel fear and anxiety, that is trepidation in anticipation of what might happen in the future. If we are planners and thinkers, as many introverts are, then we can expend an inordinate amount of energy considering all possible future outcomes, identifying worst-case scenarios, and attaching fear and anxiety to what might happen if we let our minds run amuck.

  I frequently felt fear of the future. In fact, I was trapped in it. I was always waiting to be found out, for the other shoe to drop, and for the bottom to fall out of my successes. I would worry as a parent that my child could get hurt or would fret that a contract would fall through. It became an out-of-control cycle where my brain would assume that because my three-year-old son wasn’t toilet training yet that I would inevitably have to move him into his college dorm in diapers, and then he would never meet a nice girl because he was still in diapers, and I would be stuck with him living in my basement playing video games alone as a 35-year-old man. And I vouch that this is a normal human reaction, but I could just save myself all of the stress and worry and trust that it will solve itself.

  Here are a few methods of letting go of the fear of the future, or the fear that stops you from taking forward action. Since different things work for different people, you might find one of these resonates for you more than others.

  The 5 Second Rule (Mel Robbins)

  Mel Robbins, author of “The 5 Second Rule,” describes how we often have instincts or urges to take action, but within five seconds our brain will try and convince us otherwise and derail our initial plan. This comes from fear of what might happen – fear of the unknown – and is your brain’s way of protecting you from something that is out of your norm. When you are faced with an urge to act, count “Five, four, three, two, one” and then physically move in some way. This gets your brain to move forward and counteract that subconscious automatic shutdown we usually experience.

  Pre-Traumatic Growth (Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant)

  After Facebook COO and author Sheryl Sandberg’s husband unexpectedly died in 2015, her journey back to joy through resilience was the impetus for her second book, Option B, which she co-wrote with psychologist and Wharton professor, Adam Grant, Ph.D. In conducting research for this book, the concept of post-traumatic growth came up as they saw time and time again that there was often positive personal growth that came out of traumatic situations. People embraced more gratitude, strengthened relationships with friends and family, or started living life to the fullest following a traumatic incident or loss. So, Sheryl suggested, why can’t we have pre-traumatic growth? That way we can make a list of all of the things that might go wrong and then check for those things in advance to prevent them, or even begin practicing gratitude before a crisis.

  If we take time to examine and better understand what might go wrong, perhaps it is not nearly as bad as we thought it might be. Or, we might realize that everything in our control is being mitigated, and everything out of our control is simply that, out of our hands, and isn’t worth worrying over anyways.

  Fear-Setting (Tim Ferriss)

  Speaking of making a list of possible failures to prevent and check…

  In 2017, Tim Ferriss delivered a TED Talk on the main stage about fear and introduced the idea of “fear-setting.” It is the practice of defining your fears, planning in advance what can be done to prevent them, and should they actually occur, what can be done to repair them. By doing this planning, it takes the mystery out of what could happen, and it diminishes its power to make you feel afraid of the unknown.

  We often fear the future in a way that turns out to be much worse than what actually happens in reality. Either we assume a worst-case scenario and that doesn’t turn out to be true, or our anxiety over what we think may happen is grossly inflated compared to if that thing actually happened. That means that a lot of the anxiety we create for the future is our own and unnecessary.

  To complete fear-setting, Tim suggests that you make a list of all of the things that you are afraid of. Then, write what can be done to prevent them in the next column. In the third column, write what you would do if that fear actually happened. Now, you have a plan.

  Beyond these tactics of reducing the fear of the future, focusing your energy around the present can also stave off this curse. By focusing on and fearing future states, we rob the present of the attention that it deserves, and the time spent with the joy of now. Here are some ways that you can stay focused in the present (more about these topics can be found in Activity 10 as well).

  Meditation and Centering

  Yogis and spiritual practitioners have long touted the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of meditating, but in recent years, science has actually begun to support those claims with data. Sara Lazar, a neuroscientist at Harvard Medical School, ran a study finding that meditation reduces stress, helps you think more clearly, and can literally change your brain over time. But even without eons of practical application and new-fangled science data, just trying a meditation practice that you actually stick with will likely be enough to convince you of the benefits.

  If you are new to this space, employ some tools to help. Use a meditation app, like Headspace or Stop, Breathe & Think, for guided mediation. Find a one-minute centering exercise that is only a Google search away. When you are feeling frazzled or unfocused, even a few minutes of this can help bring you back to center.

  Intention Setting

  Your meditation or centering time is a great opportunity to set an intention for the day, or for a certain activity. Your intentions should be true to you in the present, not focused on something you “should” do in the future. No need to judge your intention if it is big enough, noble enough, or anything enough. If you don’t know where you are going, any path will do. Set the intention to get you traveling in the right direction.

  Mindfulness Exercises

  What I enjoy about mindfulness ex
ercises is that you can practice being mindful while doing damn near anything. You can practice mindfulness while you eat (savoring each bite rather than wolfing down an entire plate of pancakes without even tasting them), have a conversation, or even while you’re driving. Like any meditation or activity in being present, it is a muscle that can be strengthened through practice. Doing it more and more while studying the outcome like a scientist (i.e., not being attached to the outcome) can help you see the benefits of building the muscle.

  Allowing for Blank Space

  Much of our frenzy comes from trying to shove too much into too little time. In a world that seems to glorify being busy, it can feel unproductive and slacker-ish to create blank space on your calendar, take breaks, or allow for your mind to wander or dabble in creativity. This premise is utter bullshit.

  Particularly for high-achieving introverts, we are caught between the crux of always doing more and also needing some solitude to recharge our batteries. When I worked in busy corporate roles, I was most successful when I had buffer time built in between meetings, even if it was 10 minutes, to just sit in silence. It was like plugging in your phone for just 10 quick minutes to charge it enough to get through the next hour. I would create closure from the last meeting, prepare thoughts for the next meeting, and with any time remaining, troll around on Twitter.

  I will go more in depth on ways to be in the present in later chapters, but the end goal here is to focus on the present in order to wipe out our fear of the “what ifs.” Begin making the change by recognizing fear of the future, and then bring it back to what you will do in the present. Additionally, you may notice that most of these solutions have to do with doing less, not more. Once you are aware of your future-oriented fears (no matter how small), you can understand them, plan around them, and declutter them altogether.

  

  Try It: 90 Days Fear-Free

  Try it for 90 days, and love it, or your money back. I’m kidding, you did it for free.

  In all seriousness, allow yourself the permission to live without fear of “what ifs” for 90 days. Whenever you feel fear of the future creeping in, replace it with a different thought that honors the present. You won’t be perfect at first, but watch over time to recognize that when you let go of fears, either the thing you feared never really happened, or it did but wasn’t nearly as bad as your mind made it out to be. Assess how this feels after 60 or 90 days. What feels different when you release your fear of “what if”?

  Activity 7: Showing Up When Your Assignments Come

  “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within myself there lay an invincible summer.”

  – Albert Camus

  I am a firm believer in the universe and the role it plays in our lives. I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one, so rather than ascribing to any particular religion or specific higher power, I suppose you could say that the universe is the closest thing. I see it as a kind of ecosystem. Bigger than any one person, it operates on its own laws versus the teachings of one man or woman. As with any form of faith, we often have to experience something that leads us to confirm our belief, and I have tested and confirmed my faith that there are unseen forces working around me on more than one occasion.

  I have often found that when the universe has something that we need to learn, it presents opportunities to learn it. If we are not tapped in to listen and learn, we may ignore it or miss it completely. Think back in time. Have you ever had a boss that you hated, so you quit your job only to find that same person reincarnated in a new boss somewhere else? Or you left a job that didn’t align with your values only to take a new job that also didn’t align, and then rinsed and repeated? Or perhaps you became sick or broke a bone as a forced message to slow the hell down? Yep – that is the universe shaking you firmly by the shoulders until you show up for your assignment.

  I will share with you a few lessons that had to be presented more than once for me to get it. I wrote earlier in the book about realizing after interviewing for a big Human Resources role that it did not align with my values; I wasn’t truly excited about the opportunity beyond the big responsibility, growth potential, and matching salary. It took me this job interview experience to realize that I had already lived that lesson. I spent years before that in a company that was equally out of alignment with my values. I didn’t get the message the first time, and the universe had to tempt me with a lucrative opportunity for me to recognize the lesson I had already experienced. In another example, I spent many months being miserable in more than one role because I felt really oppressed by the direction that I had to take from others. I really loved making the strategy and then having the runway to execute on it. This had to be presented to me a second time before I realized that my path was actually to become an entrepreneur, where I set the strategy and made the decisions without answering to anyone.

  I have been lucky in that the universe has not had to club me over the head with my assignments. Usually it was a lesson I experienced but didn’t learn the punch line for, and a second opportunity was the push where I actually learned the lesson in hindsight. I attribute my relative success here to my innate intuitive capabilities. I have always been very intuitive, with a strong gut reaction that shouts loud enough to follow. And that still doesn’t mean I always followed it. I had numbed my ability to sense what was really important for me for years, because I was so definitively on the path toward my old definition of success and accomplishment. If my intuition was talking during most of that time, I wasn’t listening. Surely, I would pay attention to avoid dark alleys or danger, but never to stray off of my path of success. I remember being in college when I first learned about Life Coaches. I was amazed that this was an actual career, and even knowing practically nothing about it, I said to myself, “That is what I am meant to do.” At the time, I was studying to be a Finance major with honors and had a whole plan laid out to work in international finance, wearing really nice suits and traveling to Europe a lot. My message to myself became, “If I wasn’t doing this, THAT is what I would be doing.” As the universe would have it, I figured out before I graduated that I did not want to jet set with fancy bankers’ suits (my first step back into alignment to my true self), but I did not decide to go be a professional coach for at least ten more years.

  One interesting side effect that I have noticed with paying closer attention to my intuition and emotions, is that my ability to experience emotions (and intuition) has expanded in all directions. It is normal for us to try and dull pain that we feel or to get rid of it all together. I have allowed myself to feel and work through deeper pain rather than try and push it away, and as a result, I have experienced deeper joy and other emotions in all directions. It feels like watching The Wizard of Oz in its original form and then switching to the HD, digitally remastered version. By listening and allowing, you can begin to experience life in technicolor.

  Tapping into Intuition

  When we begin to pay closer attention to our internal thoughts and feelings, our physical state, and our intuitive “gut reactions,” we become more available to capturing the signals our intuition is sending to us. I have found that when I am very busy and do not have enough alone time and space for reflection, or have too much mental load stuck in my working memory at once, I have no space left to listen to intuition. It’s as if my senses are dulled, and I block it out. But when I have more space, I find that I have more intuitive hits. Often, they come in the form of these types of statements:

  “I am not sure why, but this just came to mind…”

  “Something just came to me…”

  “An idea just hit me…”

  “I just have a feeling about this…”

  That is it! For basic intuitive information, that is how it shows up. You don’t have to be a psychic, an oracle, or a Zen monk to listen to intuition. It may simply require pausing after you hear yourself make one of these types of statements and listening to what it is saying.

  T
hink back to how many times you have said one of those statements to yourself, and your brain immediately rationalized it away. I have a whole catalog of instances where I ignored my gut reaction and the outcome was not positive. I remember a really critical hiring decision that I was making as a manager, when I hired someone who had a great background, was really charming, and seemed like a good personality fit. Yet, for a reason I could not explain, during the interview I had an intuitive reaction that she wasn’t the right person. I quickly rationalized it away, using my Human Resources brain to tell myself I had no real reason on paper not to hire her, so she was hired. She turned out to be exactly as I suspected: briefly charming and then a total disaster. Hey universe, I will not need to learn that lesson again. Just saying.

  How to Show Up for Assignments

  So, how do you show up for your assignments? You have to first have awareness that there is an assignment before you and a lesson to learn. Once you are aware, you have to be willing to listen and learn (many introverts naturally have this skill). This often means less doing and talking (some go-getter extroverts may be less natural at this).