Hidden Brilliance Page 7

  This, of course, has not been a revelation where overnight I simply cut out half of my life and felt a whole lot lighter. I often envy those people who can dump their entire closet and stick with a capsule wardrobe of 32 clothing pieces. I am still trying to conquer that beast. Nope, this is more of a “clean the closet, feel good about it, then as more junk slowly creeps back in, repeat the process over and over until the end result is closer” type of thing.

  When I realized that my own expectations for myself were spiraling out of control, I had to ask myself the tough questions on what it would look like to achieve my definition of success, and identify what exactly I was holding onto with my Kung Fu death grip that was not serving me. Here again are the two simple questions that I asked myself, and my answers:

  If I held myself to this definition, what would I need to do to achieve it?

  Have faith in myself that I am doing the right thing without factual backup.

  Connect with others.

  Walk the talk.

  Live on purpose.

  Experiment in bold moves.

  Be larger.

  Be clearer on and take a firm stand on what I believe in.

  My immediate gut reaction is to judge my list. I ask myself, “What the hell have you been doing this whole time then, if not this?” I have been finding a lot of stuff to keep me busy, but on any given day, I suppose I would struggle to tell you that I accomplished anything of note. The achiever side of me says, “None of those items seem to be attached to earning a promotion or a medal.” The pragmatic voice says, “Those things are doable. People do these things well, every day.” I realize that I can conquer this list, if I choose to, but I simply won’t have time if I hold onto all of the other things that are taking up my mental processing space. So, what needs to go?

  What would I have to give up or stop doing?

  The fear, obviously.

  Stuff that isn’t a “hell yes.”

  Being awkward around other humans.

  Judgement about the previous three bullet points.

  Attachment to the outcome (I am doing better with others, but not myself).

  And, yet, this list somehow seems more challenging to accomplish than the first one. I realize by noting how hard this list seems, that I haven’t really ever released anything back into the wild. Maybe I have gotten bored with things and decided not to do them anymore. But this is different. This is Kondo-ing. It is thanking something and then setting it free if it doesn’t spark joy (see Marie Kondo’s work).

  After careful consideration, I realized that one of the key conduits to all of the beliefs I needed to give up was the fear of the future. I have never been one to ruminate on regret, but I could run “what if” marathons for the rest of my life. The “what ifs” are fear of what could happen, and fear of the future is worthy of its own chapter, which we will cover later.

  Here are some tactics to decide what to keep and what to give up:

  Do Only the Things That Only You Can Do

  This means, if you have other people that report to you or that work with you, focus your energy on only doing the things that must be done by yours truly. Everything else can be delegated, dropped, or hired out.

  As a leader: Assign someone who is not you to own all tasks. Your job is to synthesize and to follow-up. Only you can do the synthesizing and the following up. And only your team should be doing the “stuff.” This may mean investing some time on the front side to teach others to be as proficient as you in those tasks (yes, I know, if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself, blah blah), but the payoff is ten-fold when you are able to free yourself up for the things that really bring you fulfillment.

  At home: Decide as a home unit how to divide up the work. Sometimes I have a five-page list in my head of things that need to get done, half of which may never occur to anyone else around me. From that list I think, “Does this even need to be done?” (drop it all together), or I ask my partner to do the things that he would probably do anyways as well as things he may not realize are on my mind. That way, I only end up doing the tasks that only I can do, not those plus all the other duties that double the list. Also, I delegate and pay someone to do things that make sense, like clean my house every other week.

  In your business: Can you hire a virtual assistant, an intern, or even someone who costs less per hour than you do, who can do it in half the time? Then WORTH it.

  See the Alternative in Technicolor

  One way to get comfortable with moving toward a new reality is to actually hear, see, feel, and taste it. If you can start to view the future state as if it is really happening, it quickly seems more attainable. It would be as if instead of rebuilding a whole engine to a car, you look in and realize that with a few wrench turns, tune-ups, and a quart (gallon?) of fluid, it is as if you have a whole new car.

  Ask yourself questions to create a vivid vision of what the alternative would look like in real life. Here are some visioning questions that I asked myself during my own moment of truth:

  What would ACTUALLY be the outcome of letting go of these overwhelming expectations?

  What would letting go of these overwhelming expectations feel like?

  What would you do differently when you were free of your overwhelming expectations?

  What do others notice about you in this new place?

  What do you notice about yourself?

  I truly believe, and have seen the evidence with my own eyes, that we are only one new awareness away from changing the rest of our lives.

  

  Try It: Visioning Activity

  Write a one-year and five-year vision for yourself. Write everything in the present tense, as if it is actually already happening. Write all sentences in a positive tone (for example, instead of “I am no longer scrounging for money,” write “I am living in an abundant world and have everything I need.”) Your vision should be so detailed that it invokes all of your senses and is vivid when you try and see it. Ask yourself what you notice about this new world you created and what has changed. Also be aware of what is not present, as these are perhaps things you do away with in your life now.

  Activity 4: Levels of Listening

  “Think with your whole body.” – Taisen Deshimaru

  To support the goal of creating connections with others, I isolated one of the most critical elements of good communication: listening. Communication is simply one of the biggest factors in our relationships. It is a critical element in our work connections, how we see our boss or company leadership, and how we grow (or break) personal relationships. And one of the most critical skills needed is, in fact, not saying anything at all. Those who are introverts do not need to be told this, but perhaps it helps to hear a reminder that everyone has the permission to listen and be quiet.

  There are several levels of listening that you may practice, some of which are not serving you. If you recognize that improving your communication would be valuable, then having awareness of how you are listening to others and yourself will help you. And let’s be honest, every one of us could benefit from stronger communication. I have yet to see an organization that did not list communication as one of the key drivers to improving employee engagement.

  The three levels of listening here can help you determine how well you are communicating with others.

  Level 1: Listening to Respond

  Do you ever find yourself listening to someone with the sole purpose to respond? If you are crafting what you are going to say back in response while someone is speaking, then you are practicing Level 1 listening. It is about you, not the other person. Unless you drop the need to make it about you, you won’t be able to achieve deeper listening. This happens frequently when two people are arguing their opposing political views. They put energy into making their point instead of listening to the other’s view and adjusting their response to match what they hear. Most listening happens at this level.

  Simply put: You are doing too much talkin
g, and you are making it about you.

  Level 2: Listening to Hear

  This is when you are listening to really hear the words the other person is saying. You respond only after you’ve processed what’s been said, and it is now about the other person, not you. This helps you start to understand at a higher level, and it helps the other person begin to feel heard. You are proving that by being able to paraphrase back what the other person just said. This is effective listening, but you might be missing some other conversational cues.

  Simply put: You are hearing the words and focusing on the other person. Good work.

  Level 3: Listening to Feel

  If you are deeply listening, you can not only hear what the other person is saying but can also feel what they feel and intuitively hear what isn’t being said. While you might not spend every meeting deep in this level of listening (it takes commitment and presence), this can be a valuable skill to sharpen with your most important relationships. As a result, the other person will truly feel heard and understood. Since our closest relationships are often the ones we take for granted, practice this with your team, your partner, or your children to find maximum impact.

  Simply put: You can hear and feel more information and can better provide empathy and connection to others.

  Some naturally intuitive people (INFJs and the like, I am talking about you) and many coaches I know spend a significant amount of time in Level 3 listening. If you are normally in this space, it can be exhausting sometimes to take on so much information about the other person for long periods of time. It is important to be aware of, and choose, when to use each level.

  Listening to Yourself

  Each of us has a different capacity for listening, but, to be sure, it is a muscle that we can train over time. As an introvert who relies heavily on intuition, it is my natural tendency to focus on listening more than talking. There are even times that I have done a fine job ignoring myself, or ignoring my gut. But in retrospect, I cannot really think of a time when following my gut steered me wrong. If it had, it clearly didn’t make a big enough impact for me to remember. I do know that all of my biggest mistakes can be traced back to not listening to my gut. Every. Single. One.

  For introverts, it can sometimes be challenging to quiet the rich inner monologue and really tune into what your intuition is telling you. We often make a lot of rules, interpretations, assumptions, and stories for ourselves, many of which may not be true, or your intuition speaking. And many introverts have strong intuitive natures already. Whenever I made a big mistake, I had an initial intuitive reaction and then talked myself to death with all of the reasons and “facts” as to why I should do something other than my intuitive response. Usually, these reasons are full of meeting other peoples’ expectations and a whole lot of “shoulds.”

  

  Try it: Listening Activity

  Keep a log of your interactions for a full day to track who you spoke with, what level of listening you used, and why you listened at that level. Identify what caused you to be distracted and listen at Level 1 with one person, and why you listened deeply with another. Look at the trends in your log: how much time did you spend at each listening level? How did each one feel different to you? What could you do to be a more effective listener tomorrow? Make it an experiment, review your results, and try again the next day. You can improve your listening muscles in a matter of days.

  For extra credit and to tap into your own intuition, keep a similar log of your interactions with yourself of when you listened to yourself, when you felt something but ignored it, and when (in hindsight) you didn’t pause to reflect on your thoughts or feelings at all.

  After you track it for some time, can you figure out just how much your level of listening, either to yourself or to others, is costing you? It could be costing you time, money, jobs, or friends. Or worse, joy.

  Activity 5: Feeling “Enough”

  “What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen

  In an earlier chapter of the book, you met Bridget, my inner critic who tells me “I am not enough.” She still hangs around now and then but stays in the corner and rarely overstays a very short welcome.

  Have you figured out who your inner critic voice is yet? Have you imagined them as a real person and named them? Believe me, this is the first step to removing them from power. You should be able to close your eyes and picture in exact detail what your inner critic looks like and sounds like. I almost picture it like the movies, “A Beautiful Mind” or “Fight Club” when the main character has someone they see lurking in the corner of the room who is really just a figment of their imagination. Well, you know, without the whole actual hallucination thing.

  Release Your Inner Critic from Their Post

  When something has been with you for so long, it can be hard to let go. And trust me, your gremlin voice is going to fight to stay alive and won’t always just go quietly into the night. You have to really be ready to break up with your inner critic. In order to be ready, you have to have already named them, personified them, and become more aware when they are lurking. This is an important step in the process to be able to see your inner critic as a character outside of yourself, not part of you. Once you are aware and used to them being there, eventually they will wear out their welcome. This is the time when you ask yourself, what purpose is the critic serving in your life? You subconsciously put it there for a reason, and it is often there to protect you from something. So, what is it? This process of awareness in itself takes a little time.

  Once you realize that your inner critic has worn out their welcome, it is time to release them from their post. Think of a new job the inner critic could be doing where their energy is used for good rather than stopping you. What new service could be a better use of your inner critic’s skills and energy? I liken this to when your toddler or an annoying relative just wants to help in the kitchen. Instead of being annoyed at them messing up your kitchen, give them the task to chop all the onions in the corner. BAM - their zeal to be a part of the tasks is channeled in a helpful way.

  Since we want the inner critic to be released for good, you have to have a chat with them about their new gig. You have to be the one that gives them permission to go be of use elsewhere. Here is the conversation that I had with Bridget when it was time to say goodbye:

  Me: You know, Bridget [gives hug], I want to thank you and acknowledge you for all of the time and energy you have spent with me. And at this time, you are not needed for this next phase that I am about to walk. I will take it from here.

  B: [Cries a little, hugs me tighter, afraid to let go.]

  Me: Since I no longer need you to protect me from all of the scary things that might happen to me in the future, I was hoping you could instead help me in a different area. I would like for you to cheer me on when I am feeling unsure or need a boost. Do you think you could do that instead?

  B: [sniffling] Yes, I would love to if it means I don’t have to go away. I have just been waiting for you to ask me! Can I have some pom-poms?

  Me: [Sigh of relief] Yes, Bridget, you can have pom-poms.

  My awareness of Bridget’s existence and lurking doesn’t go away. I can’t unsee her. However, now, I envision Bridget as one of the Saturday Night Live cheerleader characters giving “the Perfect Cheer,” or I picture her as a friend I am looking for in the crowd at a race to cheer me on while I am running. This is the big sign I always envision Bridget is holding during my race:

  

  What about the other members of the Board of Directors? The ones who weren’t serving me well received a similar sendoff to the one Bridget received. The lovely and helpful ones got to keep their jobs, and with the naysayers gone, they had the room they needed to flourish. The Board members that represented creativity, poise, empathy, and confidence were allowed to stay, and for the first time in my life, I had to appreciate and accept the lovely par
ts of me that I had undervalued for so long.

  I now actively try and define what my superpowers are, and when I admire these qualities in others, consciously recognize that these qualities I hold in high regard in others are actually those that I see within myself. The next time you admire someone, write down all of the things that you appreciate about them. You will be amazed, if you are willing, to see every last one of those qualities in yourself.

  What Would It Take to Feel Enough?

  What would it take for you to feel “enough?” To feel complete? Have you ever really asked yourself this? What would actually need to happen for you to feel this way? Much like clarifying your own definition of success, you may look at what you need to feel “enough,” and it only takes some simple ingredients, like love, trust, or understanding. Of course, there are times when we seek love and understanding from those close to us, but more often than not we are the ones holding back the love and understanding that we need from ourselves. Which is great to realize, because it means that we are fully capable of giving that to ourselves without anyone else’s doing!

  Sometimes there are people in our lives who trigger our self-questioning about feeling enough. For me, these were often people who felt larger than me, and in many cases, people who I really admired or whose opinions I cared a lot about. Knowing who these people are and why they trigger you can be helpful in preventing yourself from shrinking smaller around them. When people push our buttons, though, we must remember that they are OUR buttons, not theirs. It tells us something about ourselves. For people who felt larger but I didn’t admire and respect, I simply removed them from my view. For those who I admired and wanted to keep around, I reminded myself of what triggered me when I saw them and mentally prepared myself to be enough just as I was – no shrinking necessary.